?I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
?A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
?What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
?Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
?What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
?The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
A: What, what? - WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
?Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? - Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
?What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? - You don't, you've told her twice already!
?What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? - One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
?Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? - Her IQ goes up.
?Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
?Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
?I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
?How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
?For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
?What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle..
?Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
?What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
?What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
?How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
? A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
? I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
?If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
? Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
?I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
? You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
? My Reality Check bounced.
? Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
? Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
?There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
?Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
?Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
?What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
?Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any.
?What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
